Neil in Zim: Rihanna, happiness, and saying no

The annual school walk/run fundraiser was a few weeks ago. I was hired (but not paid, nor compensated in any way shape or form) to be the unofficial school photographer – I took it upon myself to also become the school’s videographer. Students love having their pictures taken, and will complain if I don’t, as if I owe my life to them to take photos. But it’s fun. To be honest, I was shocked how well the photos turned out, as well as my amateur video.

Sometimes, I feel like the cool, young teacher who is really mysterious, but is really interesting and unexpected. Except it’s hard for me to be mysterious because I cannot keep quiet. I’ve been in my crocheting era lately – I made a small bag, a doily for the school, and small coasters for someone’s birthday. One of the teachers says I should give up all my other plans and just take photos/videos + knit and crochet as a job. If I were to start a knitting business, it would be called Neil’s Knits.

Last week, I created a really neat data analysis assignment for the lower 6 students, where I lead them through analyzing 4 datasets, performing descriptive and inferential statistics, creating figures, and interpreting findings. I spent an entire night working on the assignment and then went to watch the students perform short plays at their Saturday game night. I then realized how pathetic it was for me to feel so much gratification from making a data analysis homework assignment while students were dancing, singing, and acting in very profound plays.

The students have started to realize that I am actually funny. Particularly the students who I’ve driven to doctor’s appointments, only because they have to witness my road rage … “Aren’t you supposed to know how to drive on the road?” “Learn how to drive challenge” “Why do people forget how to drive when I am on the road?” But I am unsure if they think I’m funny, or if they are just scared. Some of them say I’m dramatic – which lines up with the exact stereotype I am trying to fulfill: a loud, dramatic American.

One of the other tropes I am an expert at fulfilling is angry foreigner. There have been several times when I am in a store, clinic, etc. and I start yelling and then people look at me. Not sure why I yell, but I get impatient when things are inefficient or illogical. I often feel like Elle Woods, especially the time when someone cut her in front of the water fountain line and she started tapping her last season Prada shoes impatiently. Why can’t I request my own x-ray results? I understand that it’s not the radiologist’s information to share with me, but I should be able to request a release of records. And speaking of inefficient care, I thought I understood what low-resource medicine looked like working at a free clinic in Palo Alto, California, supported by Stanford School of Medicine, one of the richest medical institutions in the world – but wow was I wrong. Medicine in Zim is terrifyingly abysmal, inefficient, and makes me very sad and frustrated. HOW CAN HEALTH EQUITY BE ACHIEVED? Regardless, I gave them my “doctor’s” email address to send my x-ray results to, which in fact was my friend’s (Jiwoo’s) email address.

Although I’ve escaped college, I have not escaped my continuous lying. I like to use pieces from different genres in my music theory class: classical, female rap, pop, amapiano, not country, and especially songs by Rihanna. While playing her song Work, I spent a few minutes explaining how music has the ability to change and impact the world. I explained to them how worldwide unemployment rates dropped after Rihanna released Work. They believed me, I think.

Some of the students think they’re really deep. And some of them are – but I can’t tell if one student is as deep as he thinks he is. He told me that I’ve never experienced happiness in life and that I only know what gratification feels like – the reason being that “people from Harvard and Stanford just get things checked off their to-do list. They haven’t experienced happiness.” It was quite a read and I’m still thinking about it, but maybe he had a point.

There are two students who are so talented at everything they do – language, arts, music, research topics, you name it. One of them feels like a future Stanford student, he is a true renaissance man and is also so intentional with what he says. I recited a Mandarin poem (Jing Ye Si) at a Sunday Quaker meeting and most students started laughing. At dinner a few days later, the student stood up and asked everyone to be respectful when other people speak different languages, and that we shouldn’t laugh, but embrace and understand new languages – just as we embrace that most students speak different languages. He’s been practicing his Mandarin and always lights up my day when I see him. Another student, from the DRC, is one of the most interesting students I have met – he speaks at least 5 languages, which often shocks me, especially when he goes up to teachers and says “bon appetite madame” during dinner time, not in a joking way. I taught him how to make friendship bracelets and he made some of the most gorgeous ones I have ever seen. He also sometimes just sits in the room I am in, explaining that he wants to listen to my accent and how I speak English … it’s slightly awkward and creepy, but also endearing.

I’ve once again struggled to practice saying no to things but have recently been trying more to advocate for myself. I realized that if I don’t set boundaries, then I will continuously be taken advantage of – truly in every setting of life. It’s hard to say no to students, but also have been trying to grapple with the fact that students should respect my time, just as I do theirs. Am I being entitled? Unsure. Alas, another topic to cover in therapy. Off for now.